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I've Got Nobody To Talk To

It was all sorted out before the tour began. Lots of friends saying they will stick by you through thick and thin and rally round. You have nothing to worry about, you have loads of people to rely on and everyone tells you that they will be there if you ever need them, from the start of the tour until the very end.

 

What brilliant reassurance - that sounded good and you were convinced that support would be at your fingertips.

 

What actually happens doesn’t always quite match up with those plans at all.  It’s all very new to both you and the people trying to support you. Your imagination hadn’t reckoned on the reality of the extreme emotions and peculiar behaviour you would start to experience and theirs certainly didn’t!!

 

It can come to a stage where your friends think you should have calmed down. They may offer the, “pull yourself together” type of remark, expecting that you can turn off your emotions like a tap.  My favourite is the “you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married him” remark - not really vey helpful.

 

You had always relied on your friends 100% without any doubts before. But they can’t feel your constant pain and worry, they can’t feel the huge lump inside you and it will never stop or leave you. Unless they have experienced your situation they have no idea what you are going through and it’s not their fault they don’t understand you.

They don’t know why one moment you can be happy and then the next moment you burst into tears. It can be quite upsetting for those close to you to see you unhappy.

 

The best plan is to have a good mix of people to talk to. Chat to your friends and family but also try and meet up with people who know exactly how you feel. Sometimes, it’s the people that you don’t know so well that turn out to be the best support.

 

Who wants friends and neighbours to know your innermost problems anyway? You need people who won’t judge you or point the finger at you. There are many chat sites and chat boards that can help. Everyone is in the same boat going through exactly the same emotions and situations. It’s very encouraging because you are bound to make plenty of friends to have a good old natter anytime of the day or night.

 

Perhaps, try the chat room here and see how you get on. 

 

 

Here is a chapter of my book " Washing Line to Frontline" that might help you get your head round things.

 

"FRIENDS DONT UNDERSTAND ME"

"It was all sorted out before the tour began. Lots of friends saying they will stick by you through thick & thin & rally round. The ones to go to if ever needed from the start of the tour until the very end. That sounds good & you are convinced that support will be at your fingertips. Brilliant as how better can that be for you. This gives a huge boost of confidence. You need that surety.

What actually happens doesn’t always quite match up with those plans at all.  It’s all very new to both you & them & your imagination hadn’t reckoned on the reality of extreme emotions & peculiar behaviour.

The first couple of weeks seem just right. Understanding shoulders to cry on when you’re low with masses of cuddles & hugs.

Then it can come to a stage where your friends think that by now you should have calmed down. They may say, “Pull yourself together” in a manner where they expect you to turn off your emotions just like turning off a tap or by the snap of the fingers so that hey presto, you become your normal self again. That doesn’t work in any way shape or form. Comments will hit you from all sides that you are exaggerating every problem when surely by this time the situation should have waned & eased off. That was their assumption. You never expected this attitude. Why are your close friends getting fed up & cross with you? You had always relied on them 100% without any doubts before. This is horrible & confuses you. Your expectations go swiftly down the drain.

They can’t feel your constant pain & worry that is in a huge lump inside you & it will never stop or leave you. Unless they have experienced your situation they have no idea. They don’t get your being het up for no apparent reason. Now that’s just silly they think.  They don’t know why one moment you can be happy & then the next moment you burst into tears. Perhaps you can be so over the top that at times you may become an embarrassment if you are out together. How is it the news comes on & you break down should you see an item about the war zone? Believe me that your entire trauma is normal. Never doubt yourself.

To me I call their misunderstanding as “Broken limb syndrome” If you see a person wearing a plaster cast it is obvious that their bone is broken & you can sympathise that it has happened. What can’t be gauged is the agony beneath that cast. You can’t feel that person’s pain or have the slightest idea unless you too have at some time broken a bone. This is the same in your situation. They know your serviceperson is at war but they can’t feel the pain inside you. They have no idea. It will help you put things into a better perspective on the way they are & likewise the way you are.  Consideration on both sides is the key. They also feel  that they are having to walk on egg shells at times being so scared they may say the wrong thing when chatting. They may say something relevant they have seen in the media. They don’t mean to upset you because they are totally unaware that you will then be dashing around like a mad thing to find the full story. It is their attempt to get involved & whoops now they have trodden on your toes & you think they were just plain nasty & thoughtless to tell you. On the other hand if they had said nothing you would equally wonder why on earth didn’t they tell you. Other times when they see you upset they try to comfort you & might say, “ Don’t worry. Things will be fine & your love will return safe” You can feel that comment was a shallow & stupid thing to say to you. You have heard the same thing by so many people time & time again until it becomes rubbishy, meaningless & patronising. Your acid reply could be “How do you know he will be back safe & sound?”

 My advice should help you to understand them & likewise their understanding of you. You can be ratty & moody & sharp tongued to people. On both sides you will be an equal kick in the teeth to the other. A lot of give & take is needed. The roller coaster of the ups & downs will happen with many situations. So work at it to smooth it out just a tiny bit.

Never forget that all the cuddles mustn’t only be for you. You need to give others hugs & cuddles too. You are not the only person affected. Family & friends suffer & also need lots of comfort to get them through their traumas. Hugs galore should be all round.

A very good idea is to have a lot to do with people who know exactly how you feel in every way shape & form. Day-to-day stuff of all of the things you have in common. You need places where you can open up your situation & emotions. There are many chat sites & chat boards for people just like you. Very encouraging knowing that. This can be a big comfort zone. Not only can you have general chitchat & post messages but also it will make you clearly aware that you are not going bonkers at all but as normal as those people. A good chance to make plenty of friends & swap ideas & information. "